3/23/2023 0 Comments The iremind by sunshine baby![]() ![]() I have met so many wonderful supportive people in this community who have helped me in this awful journey. This feeling has really changed me and it makes me really sad that I feel this way. If there is a g-d why would he/she let this happen?! It is completely bewildering to me. However, these last few months I have questioned the existence of g-d. Why do people who abuse their children get to have more, while others can not?! When my daughter died I continued to believe in g-d. ![]() I don’t understand why some people have five children and some have none. The unfairness of life is something that I regrettably focus on. My daughter’s death and this loss were not in my hands and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Going through my daughter’s death was awful and painful, but this ache was similar yet completely different. I felt like an utter and complete failure. My last hope for a second chance completely disappeared. It felt like my daughter had died all over again. Having a taste of hope only for it to be ripped away. Sometimes I wish I never got pregnant again. I even got pregnant naturally once at the end, but I had a miscarriage. We tried for a little over a year and even went to a fertility doctor. Unfortunately, all my HOPE is now completely gone. I thought that possibly all of this would be rectified in someway if I had another child one day. Hope, was one of the only things that gave me comfort in my time of need and sorrow. In my deepest and saddest moments hope was always there for me. A living sibling I wanted so badly for my son. My empty arms and heart craved the embrace of a child. The hope that one day I would have another child and that some day my husband and I would have a baby to hold, a baby to take care for. I walked around like a zombie in a cloud of depression for months, but he kept me moving forward. My son kept me going and so did the idea of HOPE. However, the joy of my son who was 2 ½ at the time kept me moving forward whether I wanted to or not. The first weeks and months after you loss a child are so incredibly painful. They’re no words to describe the pain and despair you feel. He begs for my attention.Įven though I feel like I won the unlucky lottery, I know how lucky I am to have my son. Do I have a choice?! I would love to bury myself under the covers and sleep away the pain, but I have a little boy I need to take care of. ![]() I get up, put two feet in front of the other and start my day. Then there is an “uhhhhh” in my head with the realization what my life is really like. How could this be my life?! This happens to other people, not me! Those who live in these shoes know exactly what I am talking about. I have a quick thought that my life is not the horrible one in which I live. My eyes open and for a minute and I think it’s a dream. Please consider your feelings before reading, if this is a hard topic for you. Please be advised, there may be triggering language for those who have no living children. PLEASE NOTE: This post contains information about a living child. ![]() Although Still Mothers’ focus is on families with no living children, we do see the need for resources for families with living children, but no baby born after loss. Editor’s Note: This guest post is by a member of our Grieving Your Youngest group for loss mothers with living children, but no baby born after loss. ![]()
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